BABY, IT’S CAULD OOTSIDE

IT SEEMS that the UK has experienced its coldest start to winter in more than 30-years. And few regions experienced temperatures much lower than my home county of West Lothian.

The average temperature at the start of December was just 1.7C, and that really is a remarkable reduction on the long term average of 4.7C.

Meteorologists are saying that the reason for the cold snap is that “… the Atlantic has been fairly quiet.”

Eh?    

 Of course, we know it has nothing to do with the Atlantic. No, rather it is the fact that Pee Em Gordy Broon’s strategy of “green” taxes, “environmental” mugging and “ecological” highway robbery is working. We’ve been paying all this dosh to the Government by way of rocketing taxes, including the highest levels of fuel duty anywhere in the Universe, to which we must add the outrageously inflated car tax, air passenger duty, climate change levy, the aggregates levy (no, I don’t know either) and the landfill levy.

By employing such innnovative fundraising, according to one report last year, the Treasury pocketed a whopping £10bn from green taxes. The sceptics among us always thought that all this was just a cynical ploy that is riding on the back of shrill propaganda to appease the tree huggers. Given the facts, as opposed to the scaremongering, we concluded that the plan was to scare us silly and rob us of hard-earned cash.

But, no! We now have proof that the money has in fact not been squandered, or even used towards digging the big hole which is the Olympic Stadium. Rather, it has been put to good use after all. Our contributions to the taxman have reversed Global Warming and produced the beginnings of a winter that could see hordes of Polar bears and penguins setting up home in the hedgerows and marshes of West Lothian.

Who would have thought?

SMILE AND THE WORLD SMILES WITH YOU

I AM an avid collector of funny stories. This one was told to me by an ex-staff member at long-gone Bangour Hospital.

A trainee nurse had been tasked with collecting and cleaning the patient’s dentures. Now, the accepted way to do this is to prise them from the patient and place each set into an individual jar, labelled with the owner’s name.

However, this Numpty Nurse collected the whole lot – in a bucket – then added water and denture cleaning tablets. Of course, this meant that the patients had to try out several sets of dentures before they found their own!

According to the staff member who told me this, one of the patients commented: “It’s really unsettling to see somebody smile at you with your own teeth!”

I rather imagine it would be!

Drew McAdam

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