THE SUN IS OUT, so pass the cooking oil… No, really.

A recent survey carried out by the Royal Pharmaceutical Society of Great Britain (RPSGB) urged sun worshippers not to “fry” this summer. They tell us we should be investing in high-factor lotions, staying in the shade and wearing a wide-brimmed hat.

Okay, fair enough, I don’t want to sizzle and bake. In fact, I might just add oven mitts and a scarf to that list.

In the report, the RPSGB turned their attention on us peely-wally Celts who reside north of the Border. 

According to their figures, “One in five polled admitted to ‘binge’ tanning.” I would love to have seen the question that elicited that particular answer. I bet it wasn’t “Do you binge tan?”

Look, on the rare occasions when the horizontal rain stops long enough for the sun to peep out – and in the few minutes before the vampire midgies get their act together and start to swarm – we are known to run outside to catch some of the sun’s rays. Binge tanning? I hardly think so.

Interestingly – if you happen to be a statistician – the YouGov survey of over 1000 Scots found that 4 out of 10 had experienced blistered or peeling skin after spending too long in the sun.

Really? I’ll bet there isn’t a single person in the UK who hasn’t at some time found bits of themselves flaking off after getting a bit sunburned.

And then, to add insult to injury, we are selected as the UK’s idiots because the survey found that four out of ten Scots also admitted experimenting with their own sun lotions such as moisturisers, baby oil and – wait for it – chip fat.

Hang on; I’m a bit confused here. Four out of ten is the same figure given for those who experienced peeling skin. Could this be the SAME four out of ten, I wonder?

That aside, according to the report the RPSGB spokeswoman – Laura – said that she is, and I quote, “worried that people think the warnings about the sun do not apply to them.”

Nice to know that somebody can’t sleep at night for worrying about us, is it not?

But I’m afraid her anxiety for us is all in vain. Nobody will ever stop us Scots enjoying what little sun we get. And when I may “nobody” I am particularly referring to some organisation with initials that sound like somebody passing wind in the bath.

Meanwhile, I still find it funny to lather the palm of my hand in sun tan lotion and then give my naked-torsoed chum a light slap right in the middle of his back so that he tans all over – apart from the lily-white hand print between his shoulder blades.

Or to drape a string vest over the face of some sleeping sun-bather. Leaves a lovely pattern, that does.

You see, we understand that the sun is for fun. It even rhymes.

You know what? I don’t care any more. The sun has just popped out and I want to try out my new lotion; a mixture of superglue and diesel oil. See ya!

Drew McAdam


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