I’ve noticed that every evening there’s a certain breed of youngsters who purchase a takeaway at the drive-thru of a particular fast food outlet in Livingston. They then speed off into the night, chomping on the nosh as they drive.
When the meal is finished they simply open the window then launch the flurry of containers and leftovers into the roadway. The following morning certain country roads and verges in West Lothian are dotted with paper bags, drink cups, polystyrene trays and half-eaten food. Nice. Thanks, guys.
Well, this little problem could be tackled in a logical and scientific manner. You see, it takes a specific length of time to eat a burger, chips and to wash it down with a soft drink. The time – and I have carried out extensive testing on this – is 4.5 minutes.
Assuming that these eejits are scoffing their meal while driving away at 70mph from where they purchased their meal, they will be a quantifiable distance from the drive-thru when they finish eating. It is at this point that they open the windows and launch the litter.
Using speed, time and distance mathematics, a calculator, a bit of guesswork and the nimble brain of a 12-year old, I know that the distance from starting the meal to the moment of litter launch is in the region of 3.8 miles from point of purchase. By getting a map and a little measuring tape, then marking out all points exactly this distance from the fast food joint, police could sit in a hedge, just waiting. That way, they would be there at the exact moment the occupants of the speeding car fling all their rubbish out the windows. Bang. Caught them in the act.
See? A little bit of creative thinking to solve an annoying problem.
But how to stop them doing it again? More creative thinking. They would be grabbed by their scrawny little necks and have all their own litter rammed down their throats. Oh, yes, and then their car would be set on fire to ensure they couldn’t do it again.
Okay, sounds a bit harsh… But I bet right now you’re nodding your head and thinking that this master plan might just work.