Don’t you just hate uninvited guests?

There’s a knock at the door and there, on the doorstep, is a pile of cases and the Welsh family you met on holiday. The Cardiff Cutthroats to whom you were ever-so-polite by suggesting, “If ever you’re in West Lothian, do call in. Maybe stay a day or two…”

Well, I have an uninvited guest. And even though there’s only one of him, he’s a bigger problem than the Welsh family and their drunken skinhead sons. More frightening, too.

I’m talking about the spider who has moved into my bedroom. No ordinary spider this. We’re talking Psycho-Spider from Hell. I mean, I’ve seen big spiders… but this one is the size of a Mini Cooper.

What’s more, he has the power of invisibility. He marches out, faces you up, and when you try to rugby-tackle him he just vanishes.

I tried this special spray that’s supposed to deter spiders “without harming them”. It’s made from coconut extract and hawthorn oil… He loves the stuff. Not much of a deterrent, that; a better idea would be a big stick with nails in it.

Not only do I suspect that he is raiding the fridge at night, but I know he’s there, in the darkness, watching me when I’m trying to get to sleep. And it’s not just at night; I can feel his beady pair of eyes on me right now as I write this.

Actually, did you know that spiders have four pairs of eyes? That’s eight eyes fixed on the back of my neck as he lays his plan to devour me.

In fact, the other morning I awoke in terror at the sound of clumping feet, and I was sure he was coming to get me… As it turned out, it was a host of crows tap dancing on the flat roof of my dormer window. More uninvited guests.

No wonder I look as though I haven’t slept for a fortnight – that’s because I haven’t.

Now, I’m really not keen on squishing him, not least because of the mess that’s going to make. But short of going to bed fully clothed with a bucket over my head so he can’t get at my face, I can’t think what else to do.

It’s become a battle of wits: me versus the Ninja Spider. It’s either me or him. So, if my column doesn’t appear next week, you’ll know he’s won.

Wish me luck.

Drew McAdam


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