LORRY LOONIES

This week I drove all the way to Huddersfield where I was performing for several hundred accountants at an institute dinner.

Now, it’s easy to categorise people according to their occupation. For example, all accountants are boring. Entertainers are show-offs. Lorry drivers are all kings of the road.

It’s not always accurate, though. These accountants were a wonderful, lively bunch. Full of good humour.

And lorry drivers; kings of the road?

Heavy snow and high winds were forecast to sweep in from the South. So, after the show I ran straight off stage, changed, and then gunned it up the road in an attempt to keep ahead of the incoming weather front. Which meant driving through the night

It seemed that lorry drivers had the same idea, and were all heading North in long convoys.

Some of the trucks were double-section vehicles. Massive rigs controlled – and I use the word loosely – by drivers of very little sleep and even less brain.

In the act of overtaking you had to be switched on because they would suddenly lurch into your lane for no reason. Indicate and pull out, unaware – or uncaring – that you were already occupying that lane. Perhaps they were falling asleep or reaching over for a chocolate Yorkie Bar and losing control, I don’t know. I didn’t stop to find out.

A disproportionate number had faulty headlights which meant one of them was on full beam. Others had banks of silly coloured lights so that they resembled Wurlitzer jukeboxes thundering up from behind.

Several had bright blue lights on display. Now, I’m sure that only emergency vehicles are allowed blue lights. How come they never get pulled over for that?

But worse was to come. Heading away from the motorway and onto the winding country roads, I had one lorry who insisted on sitting right on my tail. I mean RIGHT on my tail.

If something had jumped out in front of me and I’d had to slow down – not even brake hard – it would have been Drew McAdam pizza all over the asphalt.

Amazingly, having got rid of him, he was replaced by another thundering behemoth that did exactly the same thing! It must be in their training manual.

And God only knows what the lorry driver who came round the corner at speed on the wrong side of the road thought he was doing. Pucker Factor nine.

So, accountants can be jolly fun. And lorry drivers; Kings of the Road? Sorry, but I’ve revised my view on that, too.

Drew McAdam

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