THE GREAT JUNK MAIL PLAN

 

ONE of the benefits of the postal strike is that I haven’t been getting any junk mail.

Okay, so I haven’t been getting any demands to pay bills, which means my credit rating will probably plummet right through the floorboards – and I haven’t received any payments due to me, so even if I received the final demands I couldn’t pay them anyway.

Items I’ve ordered on the Internet have been a bit thin on the ground, too.

But, there has been little or no junk mail. And that’s a good thing… actually, that’s a great thing!

There has been nothing in the way of credit card offers, loan proposals, holiday bargains, insurance deals, and on and on.

Now, I am well aware that once this strike is over and the post starts being delivered I’m going to receive a whole back-catalogue of junk mail, the weight of which will buckle my postman and his horse at the knees.

But I have a plan on how to deal with all that junk mail. Oh, yes, I have a plan.

Of course, I know other ways. For a start, there is the Deceased Preference Service. (I’m not making this up.) This involves telling the unsolicited mail regulatory body that you are, well, dead. It’s a free service and it works by distributing your details to a myriad of companies so that your name can be removed from their lists.

It’s just a matter of visiting the Deceased Preference Service website and filling out the form. Simple.

But that’s not the plan. Oh, no, I have something much juicier to play around with once the bundles of junk mail arrive; and this is what I intend to do. First, I will open all the mail. I will then chuck out the envelopes in which it arrived.

Next, I will separate the contents and flyers and so on and put them in bundle “A”. Then I will take all the pre-paid envelopes and put them in bundle “B”.

The next step is to shuffle and mix all the contents of pile “A”, then take each individual advertising leaflet and shove it into one of the random envelopes from bundle “B”.

The whole lot will then be posted out, meaning that each and every company who went to all the bother of sending me a piece of junk mail will receive one straight back from one of the OTHER junk mail companies. It’s ingenious, I tell you!

It will be oh, so very satisfying. But if we want this to really work, then I need your help.

I need YOU to do the same thing. Can you imagine? Massive bundles of rubbish turning up in the mail rooms of all the junk-mail-sending companies throughout the land. They will have to open thousands of letters to find the single genuine replies!

Every time they have a mail marketing campaign they will be in absolute terror that they are going to have sack-loads of mail coming straight back at them – and they are paying for the privilege.

How great is that?

All that junk mail will cost them a fortune with their own “special offers” and “great deal” flyers going round and round and round.

Kinda’ gives a whole new meaning to the word “circular”, doesn’t it? 

Drew McAdam